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I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
This is amazing.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that