You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
“No, after you.”
“If you insist.”
– Canadian Dirty Talk
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“We have one theory”
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.