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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
A roof is a house hat.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋