You Might Also Like
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Welcome
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
This could be us but you eatin’
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Dance like you’re not the father