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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…