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BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle