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I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…