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In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
No laws when master is gone
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
im 7 sauces long
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit