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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.