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To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*