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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok