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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.