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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
these two trucks have the same bed length
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school