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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
how was your vacation
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
You got this…
my dog when i have a friend over
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1