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[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Not today, today.
Not today.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.