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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned