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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.