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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Ha
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein