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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
This is my pinned tweet
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.