You Might Also Like
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth