You Might Also Like
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd