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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir