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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
are they though??
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.