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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
The news in a nutshell.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.