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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I would like even faster food.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?