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HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.