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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
#Caturday
Based Erika
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?