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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I did not eat the cake…
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.