You Might Also Like
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same