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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”