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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.