You Might Also Like
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious