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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset