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I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
bought wrong eggs
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
nobody’s gonna understand
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.