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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
6. me as a lawyer
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.