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Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Put this video in the Louvre
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback