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I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My love language is hissing.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?