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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches