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Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”