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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he