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[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
<- sleeps well with others
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.