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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*