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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.