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Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.