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Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I came this close!!!!
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.