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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Holy moly
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot