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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
c’mon!
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous