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I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I like donuts.
Twitter:
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “