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Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Bloody internet 😳
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
i smell a pulitzer
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
More like Kate Missington.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you