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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!